09 March 2010

Know your local douchebag

They’re all over the place. There even seems to be an over-concentration of them in Malaysia for some reason, most of them in politics or are brown-nosing wannabes in the corporate world. In Dublin, the ones that concern me most are the ones that annoy me the most: douchebag car drivers.

Here are a few common characteristics of these road douchebags:

1. Male (yes, unfortunately one of my own species)

2. Between late 20’s and mid 30’s

3. Above-mentioned male drivers have small willies

4. Above-mentioned male drivers have egos the size of houses. This is natural considering they are making-up/covering for their smallness

5. Normally married to a wife that has a more successful career. She’d rather work flat-out than go home. There really isn’t anything to look forward to (if you don’t get it, see #3 above)

6. Works 9-5 in some sort of god-awful and unfulfilling white-collar job (e.g. accountant for funeral directors)

7. Drives really boring cars like older models of the VW Golf (the base model with no add-ons whatsoever because Mr. Douche is too cheapskate), a Seat Ibiza (because the loser can’t justify to his wife why he deserves that fully-loaded Golf GTI) or an Audi A3/A4 (not the latest model but a really old model)

8. Above-mentioned cars are normally unwashed and generally, needing a bit of TLC. Occasionally seen with wobbly hubcaps for some reason

9. Above-mentioned cars normally come in black or a very dull grey that was once metallic silver

10. The car can occasionally be filled with kids as Le Douche is responsible for school runs because wife has to go to work early (probably just to avoid facing said douche at home)

So, if you haven’t had the displeasure of encountering one of the above, consider yourself lucky. Douchebaggery can be triggered after being overtaken by anyone or anything but is often made even more severe when the vehicle overtaking the DB is a puny Vespa, bicycle or even a tiny Micra.

The DB will unleash the douchebag in him and try his best to re-overtake the said vehicle even if it is quite impossible (stalled traffic, two lane traffic reduced to one and half, etc.). Eventually, DB does catch-up and overtakes dangerously, endangering oncoming traffic as well as the small vehicle that bruised his ego.

The act is made even more complete when the DB gives the driver/rider of the small vehicle a dirty look for having the audacity to overtake him in the first place. Oooh, I’m trembling in my pants.

Obviously, because of traffic, the DB’s victory doesn’t last that long and he's once again overtaken (in slow motion) by his sworn enemy(ies). Acts of douchebaggery intensifies and repeats itself until he is finally exhausted or gets shouted at by his kids at the back who notice that their Daddy is acting like a 3 year-old throwing a tantrum when his Lego blocks go missing.

Beware the douchebag and ride safely.

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